21 day experiment – vol II.

another good day that GOD allowed me to see. it was yet another very productive. continuing to learn more about myself on a daily basis. i realize that now this is the time where i need to show more vulnerabilities to myself and be my own #1 fan. had a wonderful conversation with mi esposa today and we put a lot of things in perspective just to continue with forward movement. i’m excited about today and anticipating tomorrow to create the blue prints for the future.

still continuing with the same short-term goals: gain a closer relationship with GOD, family (including my better half), and friends, maintain a healthier lifestyle (i.e. fitness & eating habits), prepare a plan to get back on track when school is back in session during the fall, obtain credit report to diminish 2 lowest credits, continue to spend more “me” time with self, create a better plan for short/long term organization, continue with being more honest with people & self and continue to work on beginning the business. i am challenging myself to not only this 21 day experiment but also a 60 day plan for health & wellness. i think a lot will change once i work from the inside to the out.

long term goals still remain the same: are all thee above but more descriptive. now i am in the basement system of my change. i have already started to eliminate unnecessary people or things via email and social networking sites. tomorrow i concur the clutter in my room and the clutter in my cell phones. i think this will left a BIG burden from me that i don’t realize exist.

back to the action again tomorrow. tomorrow is my 1st day back to the gym. eager to get in there and sweat it out . time to write up my thursday thought and then have some “me” time.

be blessed.

~kristen

21 day experiment – vol. I

today was a very good day. it was very productive. i have learned a lot about myself and realize that i want a lot for myself.

here is what i am hopping to obtain short-term: gain a closer relationship with GOD, family (including my better half), and friends, maintain a healthier lifestyle (i.e. fitness & eating habits), prepare a plan to get back on track when school is back in session during the fall, obtain credit report to diminish 2 lowest credits, continue to spend more “me” time with self, create a better plan for short/long term organization, continue with being more honest with people & self and continue to work on beginning the business.

long term goals: are all thee above but more descriptive. since i am in the blueprint stages, i will continue to do snippets of goals each day. can’t wait to get back to action tomorrow.

long day ahead of me. going to write up my wednesday thought so that i can send them when i wake up.

be blessed.

~kristen

…..snippet

…..well, i am feeling a little bit better today i must add but my (future) mother-in-law got ill….and i understand all of the pain and anguish she encountered because i was there 24 hours previously….now, mi esposa talking about she is not feeling well…..thas crazy LOL

…..day #2 is me taking the second day in a row to make some important decisions that need to be made…..nothing more, nothing less….

…..not much to write or share today……maybe more tomorrow…..trying to get back on my feet right now in regards to physical strength….

be blessed,

~kristen

…..decisions, decisions, decisions

have you ever felt in life where you had to make some SERIOUS decisions?? like somethings that you knew would hurt in the beginning but in the end you would feel stronger? that is specifically where i am right now in my life.

for the past few weeks, i knew that the situation in my house would get worse and it did – strike one. then another incident occurred last sunday that i knew would be cause for corruption – strike two. then tonight, all the shyt hit the fan – strike three. i have tried to deal with somethings and people in my life but i realize now that they are NOT going to change. sometimes you need to separate yourself from things in order to make yourself stronger.

i love my mother but i realize that the older i became, the longer that i could not live with her. tonight she did something that i have forgiven her for but i am not gonna forget. i believe that within the next few days that i will let it go and i will be able to move forward. but as for right now, i’m in a weird place. more so a transitional destination. determining if i am really going to pack and take the things with me that i know i deserve and purchased? or try to stay and work it out? the way things are going right now, it looks like i might be relocating.

sometimes you have to walk out on faith and just tell GOD thank you anyhow. i realize that because of the lifetime i have been accustomed too that i am boughetto (bougie/ghetto). because of this, i realize that there are certain things that i won’t tolerate but in order for me to understand real struggle and strength, i have to be realistic in my approach things. sometimes your first glance at things might not necessarily be where they are. change is good.

spring is here and it’s time to remove the dead weeds and make room for new soil and new plants. time to embrace change in a total aspect: mind, body, soul, and spirit. i thank GOD for everything and i know i will make it through with his presence.

be blessed xoxox

~kristen

from one capricorn to another

….yesterday as i prepared to go home, i had a conversation with my cuzzo, Zig. seeing as though we are Capricorns close in date (his the 4th, mine the 11th), we have a lot of similarities when it comes to things. it seems as though that we are always dealing with the same things but more so in different limelights.

…..so yesterday we were just conversing about the different experiences and situations that we were currently dealing with in our lives and it made us realize how similiar we really were. we are both caught up in this mysterious stage and space in our lives where we are trying to determine the right direction or the correct path….i feel that i am trying to strip myself down to the bare necessities to see what is TRULY at the bottom of the barrel….so i figure that i truly need to indulge myself in a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical fast….to truly seek GOD’s face in this time of need….i need some answers to some questions  or to seek to understand the reasons/seasons of what i am going through currently in my life….

….the main thing that Zig and I both stated about one another is that are we are truly in the process to clearly refining ourselves. we always have made it a point in our lives to make sure that we give so much to other’s yet when it comes to ourselves we are pretty much limited in thought. the sky is TOTALLY the limit….my cousins and I always made a pact that we would ALWAYS be in this together….and we are coming to a point in our lives where we are reaching adulthood and our re-defining things…..

….the conversation last night that i will keep in mainly because it’s sacred basically allow me to see that there is so much more to me that i could ever possibly know. i need to start discovering what makes me upset and what makes me smile. what do i look forward to and what i try to live without. how i can overcome the things that i need to move past and how i can make things right for the future.

…..to all of my people out there struggling and trying to find themselves: just know that there is a bright side, somewhere and there is a light at the end of the tunnel….and that is strictly one capricorn to another….regardless of your zodiac….

peace & be blessed,

kristen

well-i-never vs. i-will-never

….the only place lately that i have been feeling a since of peace and joy is when i walk through the doors of Empowerment Temple AME Church. on this past sunday, Pastor Doctor Jamal-Harrison Bryant preached the topic “well i never” and preached from the text of 2nd Kings 6: 24-28. the premise of the story in the bible is how the israelites are in a famine and they are eating donkey’s heads and dove’s dung. he quoted so eloquently that you “really have to be careful when you judge people if you never been in there shoes. (side note: my mother just came in the room and urked me *ugh* – anyways back to the blog). he further went on to preach that it is “easy to say what you wouldn’t do if not in the situation”. the donkey in the text represents stubbornness. the dove represents the holy spirit. dung represents where a dove used to be. the harvest are plentiful and the laborers are few. wine during the famine is a symbol of joy.

Pastor Bryant stated that “it is truly important to know that the recession was orchestrated by GOD. what you are going through, GOD has personally put you there to see what you are going to do when there are no happy days and when the lights cut off”. is he still worth praising? alot of people might be unsure but for me, i sing a different tune.

about a month ago, i left my job. yes, you read it right, i said LEFT. i was feeling depressed, unappreciated, devalued, overworked, underpaid, character stricken, along with other emotions and i tried to hold on as long as i could. i had been saying to my partner in november that i was trying to keep myself afloat and stick it out as long as i could but it didn’t work. i prayed to GOD and asked him for strength based on the decisions that i was planning to make but also realizing of what i was losing and gaining. ok, so i wasn’t able to go back to graduate school this semester. i’m glad i didn’t because mentally, emotionally, and physically i was NOT together due to the raft of my job. sometimes jobs can destroy and poison people and i was one that was bitten by the bit. i’m glad i left my job because i felt as though i was only staying for my clients but NEVER thinking about myself. sometimes we have to make bold decisions about self in order to push ourselves forward. and i did….

i’m not where i want to be but i am glad that i am not where i used to be. i know there are many days remaining that i could have good and bad but i am appreciating them even more now. i am getting to spend more time with my family & my better half and focus on my businesses and spend time with working on self. so this is what i have to say to all the people that stopped me or did something to harm my growth:

you thought that this girl from baltimore would be singing the song “well-i-never” but TRUST it’s a new day…the new song i am singing is “i-will-never”….i-will-never allow myself to get to a point where i think that all hope is gone….i-will-never under estimate my self-worth or self-value….”i-will-never” stop believing in my dreams and the road leading to it….i-will-never let myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually get to a point where i have not deposited into myself….i-will-never  get to the bottom of the barrel ever again.

final thought: the children of GOD did not realize the stubbornness that they were eating and the joy in the holy spirit. i realize that GOD has put us in this recession to see what type of people we are going to be when things are going wrong but we must keep faith and praise GOD inspite of everything. i am continuing to grow on a spiritual level but i pray that GOD is allowing me TRULY transform and stick to the changes as a new person and not allow me to be stubborn as the donkey. (p.s. if you get a chance, read 2nd Kings chapter 6; i’m heading to read it myself)

peace & blessings,

~kristen

….the journey begins…

….july 21st, i got a phone call that changed my life….it was around 6 in the morning….it was my mother on the line…naw mind you, she never calls at that time unless it is urgent….and i knew it was by the tone of her voice…as i got out of the bed not trying to wake my partner, i opened the door to sit in my special chair in the living….the conversation went a little like this:

mom: “hey kristen….did i wake you??”

me: “naw…i was just waking up to get ready for work anyways…whas going on??

mom: “well i don’t know exactly how to tell you this but khia passed away this morning”

me: “execuse me?”

mom: “she hit her head in the pool and broke her neck and she was rushed to the hospital and she didn’t make it”

me: (speechless)

at this intricate moment, tears were shedding down my face….the person that i could think of in that moment was….

me: “is peaches (my aunt) ok?”

mom: “she’s in shock….we all are…i wanted you to find out from me and not until they announced on the radio….everyone is meeting at peaches later”

me: “alright i’ll call out”

i called my boss (who is interesting herself) and let her know i had a death in the family and i wouldn’t be in….see with me, ALL of my family is important because we are all close and we all share special bonds….considering that my cousin was the #1 Female DJ in Baltimore and she was blazing the state and parts of the country, I knew immediately I would get alot of press, text, emails, and calls but honestly, I didn’t want to speak with no one….just with mi esposa (my wife aka my girl) and my family (i have exclusive friends who are family)….nothing in the world mattered at my time but my family….i thought about all the thing that she accomplished but the main thing was her battle with her weight.

the majority of her life, khia was a heavy child and adolescent. she finally decided to turn her life around in 2004. when she went to erika’s (her sister/my cousin), nobody really recongized who she was because she was shedding those pounds away. at her time of death, she had reached her goal weight and she looked fabolous even in the coffin. i know she was probably mad (in spirit) because they puffed her up (embalmment fluid) but i know she knew it was for good reasoning. she worked vary hard and this reminded me of when we preparing for her funeral the last conversation that i had with her, which took place 3 weeks before she passed.

before her death, our last conversation was while she was mixing at a club – where i happened to be working at the event. i went to the club for a business meeting not realizing that i would come away with so much more. so i get up in the booth and said whassup to her and she gave me a hug. i noticed how well she looked and thought, man i can get there too. she introduced me to her girl and we chit chatted for a minute. i let her know how everything was and she was letting me know that my girl and I had to come to her crib and hang out. i stayed up in the booth with her and helped her with music choices and just chilled until i was ready to go. as i was leaving, i gave her a hug and left the booth. while i was walking home, i was thinking of how much hard work had gone into her physical appearance as well as her confidence. i knew that i could achieve it but then i realized how much i would sacrifice and i was not ready. when she passed, i knew that tomorrow was not promised and i owed it to her to get it together.

so i went to the weight loss place where she went and the people are like family (especially to all of my family members who went there). started in august and did good until october. dropped at least 30 lbs -halfway to my goal. i let my old job stress me out to the point where i stopped taking care of myself again. sporadically, i went in january and february and here it is our march. during Lenten services on 25th of February, i made a vow to GOD that i would begin fasting on natural/healthy food and begin treating my body as a temple but i realize everyday since then, I have been betraying GOD and myself. i didn’t realize how much this time around how much harder it could be. i believe the devil is really making it much harder this time around but i am finally at a point where enough is enough.

lately, i have clogged my temple with trash and nothing that was natural, holistic, or healthy so i have been feeling all sorts of ways in regards to it. i look at how i have been lately and i realize it is due to me not working out and eating healthy but just me being simply lazy and not willing to take the first step. i have been watching the biggest loser for this season (currently) and last season and i realize that a lot of people can do it and make things right to make the changes necessary but you have to take it one step at a time. i am tired of all the madness and i want to be healthy. i don’t want to be like my family members and have health problems (which most of mine have) and i also want to please GOD and keep my commitment.

so for the next 40 days (which is the time period of lent, passover, and easter), i am making sacrifices to GOD and I owe him an extra 11 days for disobedience….each day i will exercise and log in my food. each week, i will have a special blog on Friday’s to track my progress so people can see what is going on. i hope and pray that GOD gives me the strength to take back this aspect of my life seeing how certain other aspects are coming together.

my long term goal is to continue maintaining a healthy lifestyle but to also create change in my life. i shared this story with you all to let you into a window of my soul/life and to also let you see where my growth can be affective. i miss khia and so does everyone else in my family and i definitely take this journey and owe a mere fraction to the nature of her soul & spirit (r.i.p Khia “DJ K-Swift Edgerton).

peace & blessings,

~kristen

21 day experiment

deciding to start something as of tonight called the 21 day experiment.

this is a control experiment to determine what it is that people would really do if they only had 21 days to tackle a challenge, habit, or trying to create the change that they need.

i am using myself as a “test-dummie” to really see if i can tackle this experiment for 21 days. i am going to try to tackle a goal in my life that i want to create “change”: weight loss (i.e. working out and going to the gym).

each day here in my blog and my tumblr blog (http://kristensmith.tumblr.com), i will try to write in on my findings to see if it works.

this will be interesting to see how this process went and what i learned from it and can i use it in other areas of my life….we shall see….

well, tonight’s the explanation of the experiment and tomorrow is the FIRST day!!

xoxoxo,

~kristen

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